December Blues

I really hate december. Ok i just realised it is not december yet. hahaha.. That's not the point. The point is every year, during this period i would start having serious depression. This has been happening since J1, well except that during J1 i was having depression almost everyday and would cry almost everyday.

Maybe it is the weather. Maybe it is just that i feel like i have not acheived anything within the year. Feel so insecure, feel so easily upset, like i m pmsing the whole mth.

I really hate working. I don't hate the job itself, but i really hate interacting with people. It is like constantly having to entertain ppl, i don't want to. Also, constantly having to be on my toes to make sure that i don't say the wrong things and hurt people's feeling. It is like constantly having to 看人地脸色. And it is seriously very suffocating. Just now i said sth totally kiddingly and well it hurt someone's feeling, though after that she said it is ok, but i don't know i feel very upset, like honestly i don't know what she is upset abt. Realised ppl at work can be really xiao qi.

Actually i realised i m not a person who gets angry easily, as in, if i know this person is jus teasing me, i will forget it, but some ppl like to tease others, but will not be allowed to be teased back. That is something i totally don't understand. If you want to play with other then y can't they play back? Though honestly i don't like being teased, but my reaction is quite mild towards it.

Feel a bit upset at myself for saying the wrong thing. Jus now really wanted to jus hide in the toilet and cry. Realised the whole of december that's wat i would feel like doing. Hide somewhere just be with myself and cry. Ok maybe I jus need a lot of time with myself during dec. I really jus feel like not interacting with any human beings. I wish i could quit and jus stay at home all day now. I really don't feel like being here. I don't think i have good night sleep lately, i keep having nightmares or will jus suddenly wake up in the middle of the night but not bcos anyone or anything interupted my sleep. Urgh!!!! Maybe cos i m an aquarius so i need my alone time a lot, especially now. I hate dec!!! Ok I hate nov too!!!

Had a bad day

I am so unhappy now. I think it is e PMS plus some unhappy stuff at work. maybe i am thinking too much.

Shall start with wat happened at work. Not convienient to share too much details, in short, someone asked me to go enquire about certain things from IRAS to handle certain things, then after that jealous that i know more snatch everything back. Like wat the fuck. no one want to fight with you la. Then IRAS gave her a simpler method to do things, which was e method i suggested, but she insist on using the longer method, cos she jus want to win. Fine let's jus use ur stupid method, but any problem with it go deal with it yourself don't push the blame to me. So eager to snatch for gong lao. I am smarter than you no matter what you do you can't change that fact. N'level cert only(no offence to n'level people, i know a lot of n'level people who work hard and try their best to learn, and are very capable, this is jus her i m against), jus with my o'level cert i already beaten you hands down, so don't come and act smart in front of me. Act smart then do stupid things, really bua tahan.

After that she ask me to do a stupid thing i refused. Then after that she used the reason i rejected on me. It was like didn't i jus say this a second ago, you must repeat wat i say to prove that you made the decision not me. Totally watever!

I want to get a new job, i would leave immediately after i get my bonus. can't stand working with idiots.

1st day of taiwan trip(07/10/09)

Our flight was delayed!!! Damn sian. Reached there rather late. We reached taipei around 8.30pm, and we had to rush to take the gao tie to go taichung to meet up with huiru.

Huiru's hp was on low batt. In the end she waited rather long for us. When we reached we immediately went to feng jia ye shi. I really like feng jia ye shi, though i didn't buy much. We had Ji tan Gao, and Chou toufu there. I have never take chou tofu before. I tot if u overcome the smell the taste should be ok. But it is not. I didn't like it at all. Had one slice and well....

Huiru's house was at chang hua xian. Her house have an elevator!! Ok it is not those super high class de. Those that you find in old hk movie, must close the grill then can elevate, but nevertheless it was really cool. We reached her house super late, so we didn't get to say hi to her parents. Next morning, we jus hid in her room, cos it is rather weird to say hi to someone's relative without being formally introduced and without knowing who they are. In the end, cos they were off to work by the time we wake up we didn't get a chance to say hi to her parents. Felt rather bad and rude for not saying hi. Hopefully next time i get a chance to be polite if i ever have a chance to visit her again.

I am back!

Got back on tuesday from taiwan. And honestly i don't miss singapore at all. Well welcome back to hell.

I really enjoyed the trip, it was very rewarding spiritually. During the one wk, I am able to escape from the crap of life, work, able to daydream and honestly i felt like i was 18 again when i didn't have to worry about anything much except enjoying. Actually there is really so much more to life than work, than money, than status. Only when you are travelling, when you leave ur daily routine that you will be able to comprehend that fact.

When i was travelling, i really feel that the world is so big and we are so small, so why do we get bothered by all the trivial stuff that happens in our daily routine. Why couldn't we learn to enjoy the goodness of this world.

Honestly i walked till my feet hurts v badly and i am still tired, but I really feel good, glad that i am able to escape even if it is just for a wk. I love my freedom when i was travelling, i didn't have a care in the world, don't need to think about work, my family or anything else, jus need to worry about what to eat next.

Actually before this trip i was getting more and more "absorbed" into this world. I was behaving more and more realistic, and honestly i didn't noticed it, cos somehow the change was rather gradual. I gave up some of the things i like(hobbies) for realistic stuff. After the trip i feel more at peace with myself, cos i was able to find the person who knows how to enjoy the world for the place it is. When you lose focus of what you want from life, maybe you can take a long trip to travel around somewhere, and you will feel that a lot of things is really trivial and we should just let go. I don't want to be a person who can't dream, or someone who forgot how to dream. I was becoming a person who can't dream before this trip and it was scary. Feel much better now.
Honestly i was super depressed when i wake up the next morning and realised i was not in taiwan anymore (we are not in kanas anymore). Was so depressed that i started crying before i prepare myself for work. hate going back to this people who are work slaves, they are pathetic. They get so fussy and (xiao xing yan) over every little things, can't they jus let it go. I don't want to face these losers, but i guess i don't have much of a choice.

Anyway i know i m not making much sense, because i don't really know how to put this feelings in words, maybe if i find a better way of expressing myself, i will rewrite this post. ok that's all for now

P.S I didn't went to a meditation trip in case you are wondering, cos all the talk about spiritual learnings might be misinteprated by the people who do not know where i went. I went on a trip to taiwan, it wasn't a wholly shopping trip, cos i wasn't there for the shopping. I was there for khalil fong's concert and it was a great concert. Shall update more on my trip later. sayonara for now.

Bad people trying to add bad.

In the past I really thought e ae was concerned about whether i was doing too much work. as in she is concerned of me. Now I jus think she is a really lousy actress, a person with other ulterior motive but jus playing nice because she wants everyone to believe she is nice.

Since we move, maybe because I have been doing things quite effectively, so recently my boss is handling me with quite a number of responsibilities and I think she is unhappy with that. In the first place who was the one who didn't handle the job well and leave me to clear so much shit.

Lately there have been a lot of report which my boss ask me to do and he personally teaches me. Actually he did that last time too, but jus recently she noticed. Today she came to my desk a no of times jus to check wat i was doing. Honestly are you blind, doing report la. And honestly she didn't have to come to my desk to check wat i was doing all she needed to do is to check her email.

Recently, she also keep trying to spot my mistake. Sometimes she is e one who made the mistakes. Honestly, don't keep trying to put ppl in e spot if you r not capable enough. Dumb bitch!

Today she came to tell me she wants to tell boss that she thinks that i m doin too much report. Wat the fuck! After telling her I can cope she still want to do this shit. The one cheating OT in this co is U not me. And honestly, I think I proved that i can cope with me work, I can summit a report within a few hours, even with the number of report i m doin i still leave work at 5.30pm everyday. Don't try to steal away my things jus because you feel jealous or inferior and also because you are not capable enough. Still want to act like a good person, scared i can't cope. Wat the fuck! Be more honest with yourself! Don't try to act like a good person! Say until so nice. Go to hell la.

Honestly she want to take e report go ahead. I don't give a damn! Anyway I m not planning to stay here long. I remember one teacher in jc which i didn't like very much said this, but as this is very true I have to use it. "mian zi(face)" is people give de, respect needs to be earned. I think I gave her enough face, everyone else oso give her enough face. Respect for her, not in this lifetime. Honestly she is such a failure no one in the company respects her. Pathetic loser. And who does she have to blame? Only herself. You want people to respect you do your work well, don't procrastinate. Then still always on the phone. If you want to slack do it discretely. I also slack sometimes, but after i do my work. Can't even finish your work cheat OT still talk on the phone. Honestly you think people are blind ah? And honestly no one is indispensible, don't think you are that great you are nothing. Really can't stand this place anymore! Shall leave after bonus.

The best actors are the people around you!

Hmmm... Today don't feel very happy. Actually today my office is moved. As in we move office. Just one move really saw the true colours of some people. The slackers who were not doing anything, the people whom you nv though would cheat to get OT. Actually today I was so angry that I couldn't act anymore. I kind of displayed my anger. Not a very smart thing to do. But there is definitely a boiling point to everyone. When u reached it, even when you know it is not right you can't really help it. I really think I should get a new job soon. I can't stand working there. This is the first time I feel this way about this job so far.

I seriously think when people are very stressed they will show their true self. And today it was really obvious. In the office you really can't be too righteous. Cos everyone working is not. And it wouldn't do you good if you are. Gosh this society is really pathetic. I think I need to change my nosy character and be more apathetic. Shall tell ur more on this issue tmr too tired now.

My last piano lesson for now..

Hmm.. Decided to give piano up temporary... Feel very depressed today.. when i went to my piano teacher's place, i really felt like this is going to be the last time i am playing this piano, playing this tune, last time for her to scold and nag at me.

Actually I like playing the piano a lot.. But after 9 years of not much improvement and now with lesser time, it is becoming a burden to me. Hmm.. I m taking acca soon. Next wk in actual fact. With jap class and acca, really feel kind of tired plus after work. Feel very upset and angry of myself of giving it up. But actually really no time to practice and after years of no improvement, it is getting frustrating and tiring. Sometimes when you feel so incompetent in something you like, it gets so discouraging. And practicing on the few notes you play badly, so many times, that you forget to enjoy the song. So tired of piano lessons so decided to give it up.

Still it is not easy to give up something you like that badly. No matter how many excuses i give myself to give it up i still feel angry and upset at myself. You will ask, then y do u give it up. But i m really really very tired, goin to lessons after work is so exhausting, and no time to practice, plus acca... In e end i chose bread over interest. To give up something i like to take up something i don't like tat much but something that is more practical. Give up on practising, give up on dragging myself to lessons after a tiring day of work. When did i become such a quitter. I really want to take it back up after i complete e acca course, but i really don't know how long that would be. I still love playing the piano though i m super bad at it... Hate life when you never seem to have enough time. Somehow as you grow older you seem to give up things u like for practicality. Damn, i m becoming the person i hate. hopefully i will remember this post in 3 yrs time and take up piano again.